Peter Hausted
THE RIVAL FRIENDS
19 March 1632
The action of this play takes place in the course of one day, St. Valentine's Day (14 February). Harbage and Schoenbaum list this as a Tragicomedy though in every respect it is a comedy.
a synoptic, alphabetical character list
ANTEROS
Terpander's son. He is a "humorous mad fellow that could not endure women." He believes that it is his nose, made rosy and bright as the sun with drink, that attracts the women to him. He intends to live with Stipes as a shepherd and so avoid all women. He is the opposite to the woman-loving Loveall, yet they like one another. He and Loveall make sport by setting William Wiseacres, Noddle Empty, Mr. Mongrel, and Hammershin to insult one another. He climbs a tree to avoid Placenta and Pandora when they come along with Endymion. While up there, he overhears Ursely beg her father to get her Anteros in marriage. He resolves to take on his shepherd disguise at once to avoid the marriage. He gulls Hammershin into believing he has killed Noddle Empty and gets him to hide in a rabbit chest and hides Mr. Mongrel in a pig sty. Anteros disguises himself as a shepherd named Geoffrey and becomes Stipes's servant. He is shocked to learn that the shepherd has a daughter and that he further imagines Geoffrey a good match for his Merda. Stipes, believing 'Geoffrey' has lain with Merda, tricks him by tying him to a tree. Loveall happens along while Stipes is getting a cudgel and unties Anteros, who takes off his shepherd garb, disguises again with Loveall's hat and sword, and has Loveall tie him again to the tree and hide. He then convinces Stipes that it is a magic tree that turns people into gentlemen and ties the shepherd to it. Stipes insists that Merda be tied to the magic tree with him, and she lends 'Geoffrey' her garters to do it. The jest is interrupted by the appearance of Hook and Anteros' father, Terpander. In obedience to his father, Anteros agrees most unwillingly to marry Ursely but not before he has first torn up the debt papers that Hook holds on Terpander and further forces Hook to agree to give him the parsonage after Lively's death. He resolves to run away to Belgia and become a soldier, but Loveall delivers the happy news that Anteros cannot marry Ursely because they are actually brother and sister. He pulls a final jest on the fools that are still shut in the rabbit chest and pig sty before he speaks the Epilogue.
ARTHUR ARMSTRONG
Along with Stutchell Leg, one of two young scholars, robustious football players, and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Arthur off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.
BLACKCOATS
Stipes's nickname for the young scholars that come courting Ursely.
BOY
He appears after the Introduction and before the prologue. He tells the courtly audience that they are to suppose the play is in a country village in England and that it is St. Valentine's Day. He says the poet cannot endure a woman and therefore must be laughed at. He then introduces the entry of Prologue.
BOY, BULLY LIVELY'S
Possibly the same boy who appears before the prologue. He brings Lively his sack.
BOY, LONDON PLAYHOUSE
A disguise assumed by Isabella. In this disguise, she tells Placenta that 'he' left the London players because 'he' was abused there. 'He' claims that business has fallen off of late because gallants spend all their money on their whores and seldom go to the plays anymore.
BROTHER, BULLY LIVELY'S
A "ghost character." He owned the land upon which the parsonage stands until Sacrilege Hook "with a golden bait did pluck it from him."
BULLY LIVELY
An old merry fellow of eighty who lives in the impropriate parsonage. He has the parsonage for his lifetime and means to cheat Sacrilege Hook and the parasites from getting it. He will drink sack to stay healthy and outlive them all. For a joke he names Hook his heir and falls down as if dead. He rises again as Hook is having the bell tolled for him, laughs at Hook's covetousness, and says he will change his will. Both Lucius and Neander have asked Lively to win Pandora for the other, but because Lively most favors Lucius, he tells Neander to pretend to marry another girl so Lucius might believe himself free to marry Pandora. When Stipes finds Constantina disguised as a boy, Bully Lively takes the boy on as his gentleman servant. He discovers that it is Constantina looking for her Cleopes and promises to help. He tells Neander that this is a boy dressed as a girl and has them contract marriage before a vicar in furtherance of his plan. When Neander discovers that he has married a woman in earnest, he threatens Lively with a sword. After Neander discloses that he is Cleopes and embraces the match with Constantina, he forgives and thanks Lively.
CLEOPES
The actual name of the rival lover, Neander. This is the name by which Constantina knows and loves him. The rumor is he has been lost in Belgia. In truth, he put on the disguise of Neander in order to woo Pandora, but his sudden friendship for Lucius prevented him pursuing that girl. He is known as Neander throughout most of the play, and the bulk of his actions are described under that listing.
COLUMBUS
Only mentioned. Lively declares he's discovered more than Columbus when he discovers his 'boy' is Constantina in disguise.
CONSTANTINA
Jack Loveall's sister. Escapes from her home to find her love Cleopes. She leaves behind a double (Isabella dressed as her). When Stipes finds Contantina disguised as a boy, Bully Lively takes the boy on as his gentleman servant. Lively discovers that she is Constantina in disguise looking for her Cleopes and promises to help. Lively tells Neander that she is a boy dressed as a girl and has them contract marriage before a vicar in furtherance of their mutual plan to help Lucius to Pandora. She is later carried in swooning and awakes calling upon Cleopes. She is overjoyed to find that Neander, whom she has married, is in truth Cleopes.
CURRANTS
A "ghost character." Mongrel saw this racehorse run in Stamford at Sara's Hole.
DOROTHEA
A "ghost character." Sacrilege Hook's dead wife. Seventeen years ago, she secretly purchased a baby from a lowly woman. That baby turned out to be Ursely, and the lowly woman was Anteros's mother.
DRAKE
Only mentioned. Lively declares he's discovered more than "our own waterfowl, Drake" when he discovers his 'boy' is Constantina in disguise.
EDWARD
One of Lively's "two rustical servants." The other is Robin. Lively has given his two maids, one named Kate, and two of his rustical servants leave to go dance on the green. Along with the fiddlers, they encounter Merda and Anteros disguised as Geoffrey and bid them dance with them. Later, Edward and Robin discover Neander standing over the body of Constantina with a sword in his hand and carry the girl to Justice Hook.
ENDYMION
Laurentio's son and page to Lucius. He informs Lucius that Neander drew Constintina for his valentine even as Lucius drew his beloved Pandora. Pandora pretends love for him in order to make Lucius and Neander declare themselves. Neander and Lucius nearly murder him when they find out, but Pandora saves him by telling them the trick. However, Pandora falls in love with Endymion in earnest after he tells her how Lucius loved and left his sister, Isabella. At play's end, their fathers agree to their marriage.
EPILOGUE
Spoken by Anteros. He claims to the audience the miracle of having been converted into a liking for women and compliments the monarch that he can do more than Oberon and his magic tree. He can gentle everyone in the room with but a gracious look.
FATHER, MONGREL'S
A "ghost character." A gentleman who will bequeath his son six or seven hundred a year.
FATHER, ZEALOUS KNOWLITTLE'S
A "ghost character." He sent Justice Hook a horse of Robin Redbreast's getting.
FIDDLERS
Lively has given his two maids, one named Kate, and two of his rustic servants, Robin and Edward, leave to go dance on the green. Along with the fiddlers, they encounter Merda and Anteros disguised as Geoffrey and bid them dance with them.
FORTUNATE
A fantasy character. Neander says that Lucius and Pandora's first child should be named Fortunate.
GANYMEDE FILLPOT
A pretender to a scholar who had once been a gentleman's butler and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Ganymede off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.
GEOFFREY
This is the name that Anteros adopts when in disguise as Stipes's servant shepherd.
GILLIAN, MADAM
Merda's mother calls her Madam Gillian when she is found tied to the tree.
HAMMERSHIN
A bachelor of arts and Lively's nephew. Anteros and Loveall attempt to set him at odds with Noddle Empty. Offstage, he cracks Noddle's head open with his chamber key. Anteros gulls Hammershin into believing he has killed Noddle Empty and gets him to hide in a rabbit chest and hides Mr. Mongrel in a pig sty. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, he humorously calls to be released. Anteros and Loveall release him and the others but also tell Placenta that they are the ones that tied Stipes and Merda to the tree, and he is cudgeled away with the others. He returns for revenge, but Anteros mollifies him with promise that he may marry Ursely, his sister, and have the parsonage.
HUGO OBLIGATION
A precise scrivener and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. If he gets Ursely, he means to do away with Bully Lively by introducing a pin into his bread or a burr in his butter and so gain the parsonage. Lively imagines him to be the likeliest of the suitors to win Ursely. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Hugo off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is a "a shorn-beard villain . . . would fain turn priest." He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.
ISABELLA
Laurentio's daughter and in love with Lucius. She poses as a boy from the London playhouse dressed up as Constantina to assist in that girl's escape. She spends most of the play offstage pretending to be Constantina and refusing to speak to anyone. She has also recently inherited three thousand pounds from her uncle. At play's end, Loveall, having discovered the deceit, drags her in to demand what 'he' has done with Constantina. She is discovered to be Isabella and takes Lucius to wed.
JACK LOVEALL
a court page and nephew to Sacrilege Hook. He can find an attractive quality in every woman and so love her. He is the opposite to the misogynist Anteros, yet they like one another. He and Anteros make sport by setting William Wiseacres, Noddle Empty, Mr. Mongrel, and Hammershin to insult one another. Loveall convinces Noddle that he has killed Hammershin by falling against him and giving him an internal injury with his hilt. He next convinces Wiseacres that he is an accessory to the murder. Noddle hides in a foul dog kennel when Loveall pretends the constables are coming and Wiseacres hides in another one beside it. He finds Anteros tied to a tree, unties him, and watches the fun as Anteros convinces Stipes that it is a magic tree that turns knaves to gentlemen and ties the shepherd to it. Loveall fetches a bedlam to impersonate Oberon to season the jest but must hurry him off again when Hook and Terpander appear. He saves his friend from marriage with the news that Ursely is really Anteros's sister and therefore they cannot wed. When he believes Constantina, his sister, is dead, he drags the 'boy' Isabella out to accuse him of killing her. He discovers, however, that is sister lives and is furthermore already married to Cleopes, and he is content. At play's end, he discovers that the fools he shut in the dog kennels are still there, and he leaves Anteros to dispose of them with a final jest.
KATE
Lively has given his two maids, one named Kate, and two of his rustic servants leave to go dance on the green. Along with the fiddlers, they encounter Merda and Anteros disguised as Geoffrey and bid them dance with them.
LAURENTIO
An ancient citizen, father of Isabella and Endymion. He comes looking for Isabella, whom he believes has dressed as a boy to seek Lucius. He comes upon Endymion and informs him that the boy's uncle has died and left him eight thousand pounds. Laurentio finds Lucius and curses him for ruining Isabella When Isabella begs him to forgive Lucius, he agrees to their marriage.
LEFT LEGS
Stipes begins calling Geoffrey left-legs when he fears the boy has slept with his daughter and been a "left legged rascal" with her.
LUCIUS
Friend to Neander and rival to him for Pandora's love. He refuses to woo Pandora for love of his friend who also loves her. Both Lucius and Neander have asked Lively to win Pandora for the other, but because Lively most favors Lucius, he tells Neander to pretend to marry another girl so Lucius might believe himself free to marry Pandora. He has heard Neander plot with Lively to "marry" him falsely to a boy dressed as a girl, and when Lively tells Lucius that Neander is married indeed to Constantina, Lucius claims that all is wasted because he can never marry Pandora because he is a born eunuch. When he learns that Endymion is Pandora's new love, he and Neander threaten to kill the boy until Pandora tells them it is a jest. When Neander then offers Pandora to Lucius (as Neander is already wed), Lucius surprises them by declaring himself a eunuch. Laurentio finds him and curses him for ruining Isabella, whom he loved and left. At play's end he takes Isabella to wed (but strangely the question of his being a eunuch is not mentioned again).
LUSCINIO
Lucius's boy. He plays the lute and sings for his master.
MAB
Only mentioned. Queen of the fairies. Anteros mentions her several times in relation to the 'magic tree' to which he ties Stipes and Merda, saying that Oberon may need to consult with her before making them a gentleman and woman.
MAIDS, LIVELY'S TWO
Lively has given his two maids, one named Kate, and two of his rustic servants, Robin and Edward, leave to go dance on the green. Along with the fiddlers, they encounter Merda and Anteros disguised as Geoffrey and bid them dance with them.
MARE, WHITE
A "ghost character." A horse that Mongrel may borrow whenever he please though she cost his uncle thirty pieces.
MERDA
The eighteen-year-old daughter of Stipes and Placenta. Her father's pet names for her are chuckin and goldilocks. Her mother calls her Madam Gillian when she is found tied to the 'magic tree.' She's a simpleton who argues childishly with Ursely and plays with dolls to her father's chagrin. When Stipes finds Contantina disguised as a boy, Merda takes a liking to 'him' and begs a kiss, which she does not receive. When Stipes hires Geoffrey (not knowing it is Anteros in disguise) she takes a liking to him, tries to dance with him, and later talks about him in her sleep in such a manner as to make her father believe they've lain together. She insists to her father that nothing has happened. Later, Stipes insists that she be tied to the magic tree with him, and she lends 'Geoffrey' her garters to do it and has a cloak thrown over her and her father to protect them from crows. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, she humorously calls out to ask if she is a gentlewoman yet. Placenta unties her and calls her Madam Gillian. Believing she is a gentlewoman, she would call her mother a country woman and 'sweetlips' until her mother beats her and drives her off.
MONGREL, MR.
An elder brother and an heir. He has a fondness for swearing oaths to prove his quality. Anteros and Loveall attempt to set him at odds with William Wiseacres. Anteros gulls him into believing he is wanted by the constable and gets him to hide in a rabbit chest and then hides Mr. Mongrel in a pig sty. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, he humorously calls to be released. Anteros and Loveall release him and the others but also tell Placenta that they are the ones that tied Stipes and Merda to the tree, and he is cudgeled away with the others.
MOTHER–TONGUE, MR.
Zealous Knowlittle has a memorandum in his box to inform all the brethren that Mr. Mother-tongue will be standing in the shire on the first of June.
NEANDER
The disguise worn by Cleopes throughout the play. Friend to Lucius and rival to him for Pandora's love. He refuses to woo Pandora for love of his friend who also loves her. Both Lucius and Neander have asked Lively to win Pandora for the other, but because Lively most favors Lucius, he tells Neander to pretend to marry another girl so Lucius might believe himself free to marry Pandora. Lively tells Neander that Constantina is a boy dressed as a girl and has them contract marriage before a vicar in furtherance of this plan. Neander believes that, as this is a boy, the contract will not be valid. When he learns that Endymion is Pandora's new love, he and Lucius threaten to kill the boy until Pandora tells them it is a prank. He then offers Pandora to Lucius (as he is already wed), but Lucius surprises him by declaring himself a eunuch. Neander discovers he has married a woman and threatens Lively with a sword. Constantina swoons and calls upon Cleopes whereupon 'Neander's' heart melts and he reveals that he is in fact Cleopes and gives up all claim on Pandora.
NIB
Only mentioned. A cat in the kitchen of the Queen of Fairies. Anteros says Ursely was her kitten.
NODDLE EMPTY
An Inns of Court man. He is biding his time at the Inns of Court until he can gain a knighthood, inherit nine hundred a year when his father dies, and marry some woman worth three thousand pounds. He can manage his rapier, quote from plays, and speak French that he's learned from Littleton. Anteros and Loveall attempt to set him at odds with Hammershin. Hammershin bloodies his pate with his chamber key. Loveall convinces him that he has killed Hammershin by falling against him and giving him an internal injury with his hilt. Noddle hides in a foul dog kennel when Loveall pretends the constables are coming. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, he humorously calls to be released. Anteros and Loveall release him and the others but also tell Placenta that they are the ones that tied Stipes and Merda to the tree, and he is cudgeled away with the others.
OBERON
A disguise set upon the bedlam after Anteros convinces Stipes that the tree that he is tied to is magic and sits on fairy ground.
OBRUM
Stipes's mistake for Oberon, which Merda adopts.
OLIVER
One of Sacrilege Hook's servants. Hook orders Oliver and Robert to go order the bell tolled when he believes Bully Lively has fallen dead at his feet.
PANDORA
Sacrilege Hook's daughter. She loves Lucius and Neander equally, but they are such good friends they will not woo her but rather (very much against their wills) scorn her for the other's sake. Placenta advises her to pretend to love Endymion and so make her two lovers declare themselves. When the two lovers see them, they threaten to kill Endymion until she tells them the prank. When she learns that Neander is already wed and Lucius is a eunuch, she faints. When Endymion tells her how Lucius loved and left his sister, Isabella, Pandora falls in love with Endymion in earnest. When Neander discloses that he is Cleopes and gives Lucius free passage to Pandora, Pandora responds that she doesn't give a snap for either of the rival friends and now prefers Endymion. She is promised to him in marriage.
PHOEBUS
Also called Sol. Sings the bass part in the Introduction. He agrees to rise at Venus's entreaties and bring in Valentine. He reacts to a light more bright than his own but the text does not detail what this light is. Later, it becomes apparent that it must be Anteros's nose, made so rosy bright with drink that it attracts women to him.
PLACENTA
Stipes's wife and a midwife. She assists in Constantina's escape from her house by dressing up a boy (actually Isabella) in Constantina's clothes. She later advises Pandora to pretend to love another man and so make her two lovers declare themselves and seizes upon Endymion to be the 'other man.' She sets the two under a tree and goes to bring Neander and Lucius to see them courting. When Neander and Lucius offer to kill Endymion, she is obliged to reveal the trick. Later, she informs Loveall that Anteros and Ursely cannot marry because they are actually brother and sister. She performed the switch herself seventeen years before when Dorothea wished to have a child but could not. Loveall and Anteros tell her that her husband and daughter have been tied to a tree by William Wiseacres, Noddle Empty, Mr. Mongrel, and Hammershin. She cudgels the fools away and unties her family with disgust.
PLAUTUS
Only mentioned. The boy at the play's beginning suggests that the play will be something like a translation of Plautus's Captives "or some such thing."
POET
The boy at the start of the play says the poet cannot endure a woman and it is his job to lead him about with a black scarf hoodwinking him so he should not see one. It is possible that Hausted, the play's poet, performed the part of Anteros, who cannot endure a woman and who also delivers the play's Epilogue.
PROLOGUE
Enters as an old man, exclaims that the anticipation of performing before the monarch has made him old, but now seeing his majesty renews his youth. With that, he then pulls off his wig and beard.
PUSS, MADAM
A fantasy character. In scolding Merda, Placenta calls her daughter to Madam Puss the kitchen maid.
REYNOLD
Stipes calls the fox that has been stealing his lambs Reynold.
ROBERT
One of Sacrilege Hook's servants. Hook orders Oliver and Robert to go order the bell tolled when he believes Bully Lively has fallen dead at his feet.
ROBIN
One of Lively's "two rustical servants." The other is Edward. Lively has given his two maids, one named Kate, and two of his rustic servants leave to go dance on the green. Along with the fiddlers, they encounter Merda and Anteros disguised as Geoffrey and bid them dance with them. Later, Robin and Edward discover Neander standing over the body of Constantina with a sword in his hand and carry the girl to Justice Hook.
ROBIN REDBREAST
A "ghost character." Zealous Knowlittle's father sent Justice Hook a horse of Robin Redbreast's getting.
SACRILEGE HOOK
A simoniacal patron. He cheated Bully Lively's brother out of the parsonage and will gain possession of it at Lively's death. He is using the property to gain a promising husband for Ursely and extorts presents from suitors who would have it. Ursely begs him to get her Anteros, and Sacrilege Hook promises to go to Terpander, Anteros's father, and set the match. Terpander's is behind in paying Hook for his lands, and Hook threatens him with forfeiture if the old man doesn't persuade Anteros. The marriage contract costs him dearly, for Anteros tears up the mortgage papers and demands the parsonage before agreeing to marry. When it is discovered that Anteros and Ursely are siblings, Hook is undone. Nevertheless, Terpander, in good conscience, offers to pay half of the money, and Endymion takes Pandora without her portion, and Hook is satisfied.
SCAB
A "ghost character." Stipes's sheepdog. The best cur that ever mumbled crust.
SOL
Another name for Phoebus.
STIPES
Sacrilege Hook's shepherd, Placenta's husband and Merda's father. His catch phrase is "Peace, and catch a mouse." When Stipes finds Contantina disguised as a boy, Bully Lively takes the boy on as his gentleman servant. Anteros recommends a servant named Geoffrey to the shepherd who is in fact Anteros himself in disguise. Stipes imagines 'Geoffrey' a good match for his daughter Merda. He overhears Merda talking in her sleep and fears Geoffrey has made him a grandfather without matrimony. He tricks Geoffrey and ties him to a tree and is astonished upon his return to find Geoffrey transformed to a gentleman and, learning that it is a 'magic tree,' agrees to allow the gentleman to tie him there, too. Stipes insists that Merda also be tied to the magic tree with him, and she lends 'Geoffrey' her garters to do it. He has a gray cloak thrown about him to prevent crows and 'Geoffrey' instructs him not to speak no matter what. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, Stipes humorously calls out to ask if he is a gentleman yet. Anteros and Loveall tell Placenta that Wiseacres, Noddle, Hammershin, and Mongrel tied her husband to the tree, and she unties him. She beats him, and he laments that he wanted a scarlet suit of fairy making but has received instead a black and blue piece of homespun.
STUTCHELL LEG
Along with Arthur Armstrong, one of two young scholars, robustious football players, and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. Anteros calls him colossus. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Stutchell off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.
SWITHIN, SAINT
Only mentioned. Stipes invokes St. Swithin to protect him from the devil when he believes Geoffrey has miraculously transformed into Anteros on fairy ground.
TEMPEST ALLMOUTH
A decayed clothworker and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. He is hoarse when he woos from railing against bishops and the church. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Tempest off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.
TERPANDER
An old gentleman, Anteros's father. He is deeply in debt to Sacrilege Hook and must try to convince his son to marry the ugly and deformed Ursely. He commands and receives his son's obedient agreement to marry the girl. Though he owes Hook nothing after Anteros tears up the mortgage papers, he nevertheless pays Hook half the amount in good conscience.
THETIS
Sings one of the two treble parts in the Introduction. She desires Phoebus to remain in bed with her though Venus entreats him to arise.
TOM, BRAVE
Loveall fetches in a bedlam to impersonate Oberon after Anteros convinces Stipes that the tree that he is tied to is magic and sits on fairy ground. Merda informs us he has a horn 'like a Tom of Bedlam.' He recites an incantation before being hurried off by Loveall when they spy the approach of Hook and Terpander.
UNCLE, ENDYMION'S
A "ghost character." He has died and left his nephew, Endymion, eight thousand pounds, his niece, Isabella, three, and his brother, Laurentio, all his lands.
UNCLE, MONGREL'S
A "ghost character." A justice of the peace who will lend Mongrel his white mare whenever he please.
URSELY, MISTRESS
Sacrilege Hook's supposed daughter, "deformed and foolish." Hook has bestowed the parsonage upon her, and though she is crook-backed she entertains many suitors who would take her in order to have the parsonage. Unhappily, no one may have the parsonage until Bully Lively dies. She loves none of her suitors but wants Anteros. Ursely begs her father to get her Anteros, and he promises to go to Terpander, Anteros's father, and set the match. When Anteros insists on having the parsonage deed before contracting, she wheedles her father into agreeing. She is overthrown by news that Anteros is her brother. At play's end, she is given with the parsonage to Hammershin in marriage.
VELVET HEELS
A "ghost character." Mongrel saw this racehorse run in Stamford at Sara's Hole.
VENUS
"being Phosphorus as well as Vesper," she sings one of the two treble parts in the Introduction. She lures Phoebus from Thetis's lap to bring in Valentine's Day.
VICAR
A "ghost character." Lively has Neander and Constantina contract marriage before a vicar who dropped by his home at a fortunate moment.
WILLIAM WISEACRES
A quondam attorney's clerk. Anteros and Loveall attempt to set him at odds with Mr. Mongrel. Loveall convinces him that he is an accessory by standing by when Noddle killed Hammershin by falling against him and giving him an internal injury with his hilt. Wiseacres hides in a second foul dog kennel beside Noddle when Loveall pretends the constables are coming. A long time later, at play's end when the trick is quite forgotten, he humorously calls to be released. Anteros and Loveall release him and the others but also tell Placenta that they are the ones that tied Stipes and Merda to the tree, and he is cudgeled away with the others.
ZEALOUS KNOWLITTLE
A box-maker and suitor to Mistress Ursely for the parsonage's sake. He is identified as the ringleader of the suitors and says he went to both universities. He speaks through his nose when he woos. He has not taken orders but gave a sermon to a female audience and has seventeen letters of commendation from amongst their neighbors. When Bully Lively pretends to die, he and the other suitors begin pulling at Ursely as on a rope to win her quickly. When Anteros receives the parsonage deed and Sacrilege Hook drives Zealous off, he and the other suitors flock to Anteros and call him patron. He is driven off by Anteros as unworthy to marry his sister.