Richard Brome
THE SPARAGUS GARDEN, or
TOM HOYDON O' TAUNTON DEANE
1635
a synoptic, alphabetical character list
AMBODEXTER TRAMPLER
A lawyer, employed by Striker but a friend to Samuel, who tries to convince Touchwood to allow Samuel to marry Annabel on the grounds that she is worth six thousand pounds on her marriage. She will also receive two thousand more on the birth of her first lawfully begotten child, and much more money at Striker's death. Touchwood rejects him as a knave, but is convinced by his proposals.
ANNABEL
A "timorous virgin," daughter to Sir Hugh Moneylacks and granddaughter to Striker (who has reared her, and sometimes calls her his "niece"). She has fallen in love with Samuel Touchwood, the son of her grandfather's bitterest enemy. When she hears that her grandfather has cursed her love, she faints but is revived by the appearance of Samuel, who gives her a paper in which he has described his plan to save their love. She vows not to read it until he has departed, and then to follow its instructions no matter how painful they may be. They require her to pretend that Samuel has impregnated and then abandoned her, a report that causes her grandfather to threaten to disown her and then to fall into a near fatal fit of illness; in the end, however, he resolves to frustrate Touchwood's malice by cherishing her. When Sir Arnold Cautious arrives to court her on his nephew's behalf, she puts on a great show of chastity and disdain for young men, inspiring him to claim her for himself. When he comes to wed her, however, she appears dressed in mourning and apparently heavily pregnant; he repudiates her, and Striker accedes to Touchwood's declaration that she and Samuel must marry. Confessing that her dishonor was only a pretence, the two lovers are reunited.
BOUNCE
A fictional soldier-poet, invented by Gilbert, in whose guise Samuel appears at the Asparagus Garden in order to dupe Sir Arnold Cautious. As Bounce, Samuel assaults Sir Arnold when the latter disparages poetry.
BOY
A "ghost character." Sir Hugh Moneylacks promises this "pretty little knave" to Tim Hoyden as a servant in place of Coulter.
BOYS
Two boys who work at the Asparagus Garden serve Samuel, Walter and Gilbert with asparagus, wine and sugar when they arrive there. One of them wittily responds in French when Gilbert asks how much the feast costs, on the grounds that bargaining for meat before eating it is a nasty French habit, not a good English one.
CHAMLET
A "ghost character." Walter's father and friend to Samson Touchwood, he was a well-reputed member of the City, now dead. He was known for his ongoing feud with Goldwire.
COULTER
Servant to Tim Hoyden, he is quietly sardonic (in asides) about his master's plan to spend his way into gentility with the help of Sir Hugh Moneylacks. In place of a sword, he wears a coulter by his side, which he dubs his 'hanger-on.' When Tim discharges him in favor of a more gentlemanly servant, Coulter openly calls Sir Hugh and Springe cowards and cheats, and leaves with neither "a vart nor a varewell" to them. He then rejoins Thomas Hoyden, a more self-affirming clown than his brother, and helps his new master to indict the gullers.
COUNTESS OF COPT HALL
A "ghost character," possibly fictional. The Gentleman who attends the Asparagus Garden with Mistress Hollyhock tries to avoid paying his full bill by telling Martha's servant that the Countess, by implication a brothel-keeper, is returning to the neighborhood and will greatly diminish Martha's custom. The Servant is unimpressed.
COURTIERS, THREE
Three courtiers accompany the three court ladies (dubbed 'Lady Peerless,' 'Lady Stately' and Lady Handsome' by Gilbert) to the Asparagus Garden. They are so highly virtuous that they frequent this 'wicked' place only to dance and walk.
CURATE
Snidely dubbed 'Sir Dominus' by Touchwood, he comes to comfort the supposedly dying Striker and to reconcile the two old enemies, Striker and Touchwood. Sadly, when he reminds Touchwood that "the world's a stage, on which you both are actors, and neither to be his own judge," Touchwood replies, "I would see him make his last exit and hiss him out of it." He encourages Touchwood to send for his son so that Samuel can marry Annabel, but Touchwood refuses. He later comes to marry Annabel to Sir Arnold, but is most disturbed when he discovers her apparent pregnancy. Presumably he eventually joins the hands of Annabel and Samuel.
FRISWOOD
Housekeeper to Will Striker, who nicknames her 'good Fid,' and nurse to his granddaughter, Annabel. She is also the aunt of Rebecca Brittleware. She is an expert eavesdropper, a skill that comes in handy when she hears Sir Hugh Moneylacks telling Striker about Annabel's forbidden love for Samuel. Livid at this report, Striker accuses her of being a witch; she, however, describes herself as having been Striker's "creature this thirty years, down lying and up rising" and reminds him that she crept into her mistress' bed even when Striker's wife was still alive. She becomes one in the confederacy to dupe Touchwood and Striker into allowing Samuel and Annabel's marriage, and tells Striker of Annabel's supposed pregnancy by Samuel. When he responds by threatening to throw her and her charge out of doors, she blackmails him by threatening to tell the town about his similarly cruel treatment of his sister, Mistress Hoyden. When she intervenes in her master's subsequent quarrel with Touchwood by offering the latter gingerbread for his wind, he kicks her and causes an escalating battle of fists. After helping Rebecca to break her husband of his insane jealousy, she participates in the denouement in which all scores are settled, all feuds righted—and Striker finally consents to make "an honest woman" of her.
GARDENER
The keeper of the Asparagus Garden and husband to Martha. He declares that he had hoped, thanks to the resemblance between the garden's soil and that of Martha's Low Country home, to have made her a 'Bankside Lady' through its takings; however, it seems to be her willingness to let out their lodgings there by the hour to couples who come to 'eat the asparagus' that makes the most money. Walter describes the Gardener and his wife as "Prince and Princess of the Province of Asparagus."
GENTLEMAN 1
A client of Martha and the Gardener at the Asparagus Garden, he takes umbrage at her charge of sixteen shillings for "a dish of 'sparagus, two bottles of wine and a little sugar" and leaves with his Gentlewoman.
GENTLEMAN 2
A client of Martha and the Gardener at the Asparagus Garden. He is very 'kind' to his companion, Mistress Hollyhock, who is not his wife; this encourages Rebecca in her determination to take a lover. He argues with a Servant who demands that they pay their full bill, but gives in when Mistress Hollyhock notes that the uproar might damage her reputation.
GENTLEWOMAN
The non-speaking companion of the First Gentleman, who is so offended by the prices at the Asparagus Garden.
GILBERT GOLDWIRE
Son to Goldwire, a deceased London merchant whose bitter feud with Chamlet was solved when Gilbert fell in love with and married Chamlet's daughter. He uses this story as a case-in-point when trying to convince his father's old friend, Touchwood, to allow a match between his son, Samuel, and his enemy Striker's granddaughter, Annabel; unfortunately, Touchwood is unconvinced. Gilbert then joins with Walter and Samuel in formulating a plan that will allow Samuel and Annabel to marry. After helping to convince Touchwood that Samuel has gotten Annabel with child, he takes Samuel in disguise to the Asparagus Garden, there to meet Sir Arnold Cautious. Their subsequent plotting convinces Sir Arnold to court Annabel on Walter's behalf, but just as he is about to do so Gilbert appears to report that Walter is actually unworthy of her, thus encouraging Sir Arnold to court her for himself. Through a number of permutations this plot eventually gets all the characters together in a room with the curate and results, at long last, in the marriage of Samuel and Annabel and the settling of the Striker/Touchwood feud.
GOLDWIRE
A "ghost character." Father to Gilbert and friend to Samson Touchwood, he was a worthy man of the City, now sadly dead. He was known for his ongoing, bitter legal battle with Chamlet, resolved when Gilbert married Chamlet's daughter.
HOYDEN
A "ghost character." A yeoman of Taunton, father to Thomas and supposed father to Tim. Now dead, Tim disrespectfully describes him, as "as rank a clown as any in Somersetshire." It transpires that he was actually induced to marry Tim's mother, Audrey Striker, after she became pregnant by Touchwood and was cast out by her brother.
JOHN (or JACK) BRITTLEWARE
A china merchant, formerly a barber surgeon, friend and landlord to Sir Hugh Moneylacks. He quarrels constantly with his wife, Rebecca: he is obsessively jealous while she is consumed by endless 'longings' for expensive commodities, and for one reason or another they have been unable to have a child after five years of marriage. He indulges her craving for asparagus, but she continues to accuse him of impotence and declares herself determined to take a lover. He lends his house to Sir Hugh's efforts to make money by 'civilizing' Timothy Hoyden, but on hearing the report that his wife has escaped to the Strand in a Sedan Chair he runs off in pursuit of her. When he finally finds her in respectable circumstances at Annabel's wedding, he realizes the foolishness of his jealousy and is reunited with his wife.
LADY HANDSOME
According to Gilbert, the second of the three "Graces of the court" who appear with three Courtiers at the Asparagus Garden and whose beauty impresses Sir Arnold Cautious. They dance and walk with their partners, but do nothing more questionable.
LADY MONEYLACKS (NÉE STRIKER)
A "ghost character." Daughter to Will Striker, she unwisely married Sir Hugh Moneylacks; this made her a lady, but at great cost, for his fondness for riotous nights on the town and her own long nights waiting for him at home drove her into an early grave. She bore Sir Hugh one daughter, Annabel, whom Striker has reared.
LADY PEERLESS
According to Gilbert, the third of the three "Graces of the court" who appear with three Courtiers at the Asparagus Garden and whose beauty impresses Sir Arnold Cautious. They dance and walk with their partners, but do nothing more questionable.
LADY STATELY
According to Gilbert, the first of the three "Graces of the court" who appear with three Courtiers at the Asparagus Garden and whose beauty impresses Sir Arnold Cautious. They dance and walk with their partners, but do nothing more questionable.
LITTER-MAN
The Litter-Man brings Tim Hoyden, dressed in women's clothes, to Striker's house to take part in the final denouement.
MARTHA
A Low Country woman and wife to the Gardener of the 'sparagus garden,' who calls her 'Mat.' She is the (very canny) business manager of the garden and organizes the dinners and short-term room-rentals that are the real source of its popularity.
MISTRESS AUDREY HOYDEN (NÉE STRIKER)
A "ghost character." Second wife to Hoyden and mother to Timothy. Tim claims that upon her deathbed she claimed to be the sister of gentleman of the city, whom Tim refuses to name until he himself is gentrified and can present himself to his uncle after his mother's wish. As Friswood later reveals, Mistress Hoyden's brother was actually Striker, who threw his sister out of doors and kept her marriage portion after she fell with child. Touchwood eventually confesses that the truth is even more complex than this: he and Audrey had been in love and had anticipated their planned marriage a little too eagerly, thus causing the ire of her brother, who cast her out. When Touchwood prevaricated about marrying her in hopes of regaining her dowry in time, she disappeared into the country, married Hoyden, and brought up Touchwood's son Tim as Hoyden's own.
MISTRESS GOLDWIRE (NÉE CHAMLET)
A "ghost character." Wife to Gilbert Goldwire, daughter to the deceased Chamlet and sister to Walter Chamlet, her love for Gilbert reconciled old Chamlet to his erstwhile enemy, old Goldwire.
MISTRESS HOLLYHOCK
Wife to "a precise draper," she appears at the Asparagus Garden with an unnamed gentleman who is not her husband, much to the envy of Rebecca. Although they try to skimp on their exorbitant bill, Mistress Hollyhock eventually pays the Servant in order to avoid an argument that might damage her reputation.
MISTRESS HOYDEN (THE FIRST)
A "ghost character." First wife to Hoyden and mother to Thomas. Timothy remarks that, unlike his mother, she was emphatically not a gentlewoman.
MISTRESS STRIKER
A "ghost character." Deceased wife to Striker, she may or may not have been aware that even in her lifetime he was having an affair with her maid, Friswood. Striker comments that since her death only Touchwood has supplied him with health-giving vexation.
REBECCA
Wife to Brittleware, who calls her 'Beck' in tender moments. Having been married for five years, she blames her husband for the fact that they have failed to have children, and angrily repudiates his argument that she "may be defective as well as I." She insists that, unlike other women, she must be granted her longings before she is pregnant; among these is a craze to see The Knight of the Burning Pestle and to be "done" by the company's best actor. Sir Hugh convinces her that dining on asparagus will prove a great aphrodisiac, but once her husband grants her wish to do so she still tells him that he is not kind to her "in the asparagus way" and threatens to steal out to the Asparagus Garden to satisfy her longings on another man. When her aunt, Friswood, invites her to spend the night and to help deck Annabel for marriage, Brittleware assumes that she has gone off to put her plans into action; Rebecca hopes that this will cure him of his jealousy, and is satisfied when he returns contritely to her on learning the truth.
SAMSON TOUCHWOOD
An elderly London justice, father to Samuel, gentle when calm but an "uncharitable wretch" when angry. His age-old feud with his neighbor, Will Striker, is notorious. He welcomes Gilbert and Walter, the sons of his late friends Goldwire and Chamlet, but soon spurns them when he realizes that they wish to encourage him to favor a match between his son, Samuel, and Striker's granddaughter, Annabel; so incensed is he by this idea that he threatens to disinherit and curse his son unless the latter not only renounces Annabel but perpetrates an active mischief against her family. When Walter and Gilbert convince him that Sam has done so by impregnating and abandoning Annabel, Touchwood gives his son a hundred pieces to go to France until the situation calms down. He then gets pleasure by taunting Striker with his 'knowledge.' When Striker seems near to death with grief over the situation, he arrives to gloat over his enemy and to refuse any idea of marriage between Samuel and Annabel on the grounds that "my son shall not ride in his old boots upon his marriage night." Unfortunately for him, the anger he provokes purges Striker's choler and returns him to health. Frustrated, he determines to ruin the proposed match between Annabel and Sir Arnold in order to drive Striker into the grave, or even to make 'friends' with him if this will allow him to kill his enemy with kindness. He has no sooner attempted to put this plan into action than the Hoyden brothers appear on the scene, and he realizes that Tim Hoyden is actually his son by Striker's sister, Audrey, whose pre-marital relationship with Touchwood was the source of the Striker/Touchwood feud. In memory of poor Audrey, he recants his objections to Samuel's match with Annabel and makes friends with Striker, thus gaining a daughter-in-law and a new son all in one day.
SAMUEL TOUCHWOOD
Son to Samson Touchwood. According to Walter, Samuel is as sweet as his father is crabbed, but Gilbert notes that the son can be as fiery as his father when moved. In love with Annabel, granddaughter to his father's enemy Striker, Samuel contemplates whether to betray his parent or his love, but when he hears that his father has demanded he do some mischief upon her family in order to regain his good graces he joins Walter and Gilbert in an effort to hit upon a plan that will resolve the Touchwood/Striker feud. He gives Annabel a letter in which he describes this plan, which, as it turns out, involves claiming that he has impregnated and then abandoned her. Duped, his father is delighted by this report and gives Samuel a hundred pieces to go abroad; but Samuel next appears at the Asparagus Garden in disguise as the soldier-poet Bounce, accompanied by Gilbert and Walter. As Bounce, he attacks Sir Arnold Cautious and thus helps to bring about Sir Arnold's courtship of Annabel (first on Walter's behalf, then on his own). Still in disguise, he attends Annabel's nuptials with Sir Arnold, and is thus on hand when all is revealed and his beloved is finally restored to him as his future bride.
SERVANT TO MARTHA
A servant at the Asparagus Garden, he demands further payment from Mistress Hollyhock and her gentleman when they try to skimp on their bill.
SERVANT TO TOUCHWOOD
Touchwood asks this servant to make him a warrant for the arrest of Sir Hugh Moneylacks and his confederates when Thomas Hoyden accuses them of cheating.
SIR ARNOLD CAUTIOUS
Uncle to Walter Chamlet, a fifty-year-old bachelor who loves beautiful women but refuses to marry because he believes that no beauty remains a maiden for long. Dubbed "the peeping knight" by Martha, he is a client of the Asparagus Garden and likes to walk about it order to leer at the faces and peep at the pretty insteps of its female clients. While there, he meets his nephew who is with Gilbert and the soldier-poet Bounce (really Samuel Touchwood in disguise); when he insults poetry, Bounce 'attacks' him and is 'attacked' in turn by Walter in a plot designed to move Sir Arnold to help abet Walter's 'marriage' to Annabel. He goes to court Annabel on Walter's behalf, but is so taken with her that he ends by courting her for himself. He is about to marry her when she appears, seemingly heavily pregnant, at which point he repudiates her, leaving her free to marry Samuel when the plot's many strands come together in the lovers' favor.
SIR HUGH MONEYLACKS
An impecunious and debauched knight who lodges with Brittleware and Rebecca, and who is always trying to borrow money. He is the widower of Will Striker's daughter, whom he drove into an early grave with his excesses and for whom he is now in perpetual mourning because he cannot afford a new suit of clothes (hence his nickname, 'the mourning knight.') The late Lady Moneylacks bore him a daughter, Annabel, who Striker has brought up and wishes to adopt. He manages to get a coin out of his reluctant father-in-law by telling him about the affair between Annabel and Samuel Touchwood. Striker remarks that he has "a wit, and a projective one"; he is always engendering new get-rich-quick schemes, many of which involve 'guest-gathering' for Martha's inn at her husband's Asparagus Garden. One such scheme emerges when he assures his landlady, Rebecca, that asparagus is the most "provocative" tonic for a lady that longs to become pregnant; another when he gulls the young would-be gentleman, Tim Hoyden, into gentrifying himself by eating genteel foods such as asparagus. Having achieved these schemes, he pursues another one when he blackmails Striker by threatening to disclose Annabel's 'pregnancy' to Sir Arnold Cautious, the groom Striker intends for her; once Striker pays him, he gets money from Sir Arnold by claiming that he has already promised his daughter elsewhere and needs money to annul the match. When Samuel's plot and Tim's true parentage are revealed and Annabel is restored to Samuel, Sir Hugh and his confederates are charged to make restitution to Tim for the money they gulled of him—but in the general good will it appears that they shall easily avoid doing so.
SPRINGE
An aptly named friend of Sir Hugh Moneylacks, who joins with him in his plan to gull Tim Hoyden. He teaches Tim some very elaborate 'gentlemanly' modes of address and some turns of the rapier, which Tim later shows to Striker and Touchwood as proof of his gentility.
THOMAS (TOM) HOYDEN
Elder son to Hoyden and supposed half-brother to Timothy. He is Hoyden's heir, but Tim describes him as "a clown all over and incurable." He speaks in a broad West Country accent, and is known for roaring. Tim sends Coulter to Thomas in Taunton when he discharges him, but Thomas soon appears in London seeking his brother. In order to frustrate Tim's foolish plans, he presents himself to Striker as his nephew in Tim's place. When Striker demands further proof of his supposed status, he seeks his brother to find the warrant of the latter's parentage. He then quarrels with Sir Hugh and his confederates. When they drug him and make off with Timothy, he accuses them as cozeners before Touchwood. In the end, he is the agent by whom Touchwood discovers that Tim is actually his son, and thus the agent of the plot's happy ending.
TIMOTHY (TIM) HOYDEN
Supposed son to Hoyden, a country yeoman, he is known at home as "little Tim of Taunton." With "a little learning, and a little wit" (both, as it turns out, dangerous things), he has come up to London to become a gentleman. Enlisting the help of Sir Hugh Moneylacks, he declares himself willing to spend four hundred pounds in service of his aim. By the time Sir Hugh brings him to the Asparagus Garden to complete his education with a dinner of the genteel vegetable, he has spent about three hundred pounds and is aware that he has been "cozened," but is still determined to stick to his plan. He sacks his servant, Coulter, when the latter criticizes his foolish profligacy. He then vows that his first act as a gentleman will be to help Rebecca and Brittleware to get a child. In thrall to his cozeners, he insults his brother Tom when the latter arrives. However, he has a rude awakening when Sir Hugh and his friends strip him, dress him in women's clothes ("felony by the law," as Trampler remarks), and send him to his uncle's house. There, he discovers that his true father was not Hoyden but Touchwood, and that he was thus a born gentleman all along.
WALTER (or WAT) CHAMLET
Nephew to Sir Arnold Cautious and son to the deceased London merchant Chamlet, friend and brother-in-law to Gilbert Goldwire. Gilbert notes that he is a younger brother and born to no fortune. He joins Gilbert in an unsuccessful attempt to convince Touchwood to lay aside his feud with Striker and incenses Touchwood in the process. Joining in the plot to convince the two feuders that Samuel Touchwood has impregnated Annabel, he takes a disguised Samuel to meet his uncle, Sir Arnold, at the Asparagus Garden. While they are there, Gilbert introduces Sir Arnold to Walter's dangerous new 'friend,' the poet-soldier Bounce (really Samuel in disguise). When Bounce assaults Sir Arnold, Walter comes to his uncle's aid and thus gains his favor. He begs Sir Arnold's help in his determination to marry a rich young lady, who turns out to be none other than Annabel. This leads to Sir Arnold's eventual courtship of Annabel for himself, and in the end to the disclosure of all plots and the happy reunion of Samuel and Annabel.
WILL STRIKER
An elderly esquire of the City, involved in a notorious feud with Samson Touchwood. His daughter having married a spendthrift knight, Sir Hugh Moneylacks, and then died, he has brought up their child, Annabel. After trying to avoid lending money to Sir Hugh, he gives him a piece in exchange for the information that Annabel is secretly in love with Touchwood's son, Samuel. He is somewhat convinced by Friswood, his housekeeper and longtime mistress, that this report was only a joke, but declares that he will throw Annabel and Friswood out of doors is there proves to be any truth in it. When Touchwood tries to anger him by hinting that his son has gotten Annabel with child, Striker confesses to the audience that his feud with Touchwood and the anger it provokes is actually what is keeping him alive; when Friswood confirms Annabel's pregnancy, however, he is less amused and threatens to cast her off. Friswood prevents him by threatening to expose his affair with her as well as his cruel treatment of his sister (Mistress Hoyden, whom he long ago threw out under similar circumstances). Striker's health takes a sharp turn for the worse, and he appears at the point of death, much to Touchwood's delight, but his anger at Touchwood's mockery again restores him to health and he resolves cheerfully to accept his granddaughter's situation if only to anger Touchwood. Thomas Hoyden arrives claiming to be his nephew, but he demands proof. When Sir Arnold appears seeking Annabel's hand for his nephew, Walter, Striker describes her as exaggeratedly chaste, in the process convincing Sir Arnold that he actually wants her for himself. It seems that his plan will succeed, but when Annabel is on the verge of marrying Sir Arnold she herself discloses her supposed pregnancy. Striker is in despair, but is soon cured by Touchwood's confession of his relationship with Striker's sister, Audrey. The two old enemies are reconciled; their children are betrothed; and Striker declares himself "friends with all," not least with Friswood, whom he decides to marry.