ANONYMOUS
THE WISEST HAVE THEIR FOOLS ABOUT THEM,
or MUSOPHILUS
circa 1627
This play was described as "newly discovered" in 1998.
Baldwin, Elizabeth. "Musophilus: A Newly-Discovered Seventeenth-Century Play." Essays in Honour of Peter Meredith, Leeds Studies in English 29 (Leeds, 1998), pp. 35–47.
a synoptic, alphabetical character list
ASCULAPIUS
Only mentioned. Musophilus says that he is Asculapius's chief scholar when he offers to ten Simplicius's sick wife.
BEBIA
Like Lais, she comes to St. Dunstan's and the Devil tavern to carouse with Timothy. The boy/drawer hails her from next door. She says all women are wanton, modesty is only a disguise.
BOBADILLA
A young woman and, along with Edentula, Urina's associate.
BOND
Clerk to the lawyer Hilarius. The law establishment is overworked and requires help. He tells Hilarius of a poor scholar, Musophilus, who might take the position. He then instructs Musophilus in the need to learn the false Latin of Westminster. His first name could be Tim, the reference is obscure.
BOY
The drawer in St. Dunstan's and the Devil tavern. He fetches wine and women, Lais and Bebia, for Timothy and Carouse.
CAROUSE, MONSIEUR
Timothy's drinking companion at St. Dunstan's and the Devil tavern. He calls for women.
CREMULA
Wife to Cremulus, mother of Crusophilus and Musophilus. She has grown to realize that her husband married her only for her money and privately curses his parsimony. She wishes to help her favorite, Musophilus, but is powerless. With Fido, she stops Cremulus from hanging himself. She continues, however, to resent him for disowning Musophilus. She is happy when Musophilus wins her husband's estate for himself and blesses his union with Urina.
CREMULUS
A usurer. Father of Crusophilus and Musophilus. He loves his sons, prefers the elder, and refuses to give the younger money because he has chosen to become a scholar. He is sharp to his neighbor, Timothy, who must promise to pay principal and double use to redeem his land. When Crusophilus gives Cremulus a bag of money he has gained through lending at interest, the old usurer hides it by placing it over a roof beam. He later returns to find the gold gone and a rope in its place–a rope that Timothy unwittingly left behind when he found the money. Cremulus believes that the money was stolen by the soldier who pulled off his spectacles (actually Musophilus in disguise), and tries to hang himself. Fido and Cremula prevent his desperate act. Later, he complains of his failing eyesight but refuses to call for a physician unless he will come and treat him gratis. When he at last goes blind, he gives all of his estate to his foolish elder son, Crusophilus. Only the water of an honest woman or unspotted virgin may cure Cremulus. Musophilus has Urina anoint his eyes and cure him. Cremulus cannot understand his younger son's charity, but the two are reconciled. When asked, Cremulus blesses Musophilus's marriage to Urina.
CRUSOPHILUS
Eldest son of Cremulus and Cremula. Musophilus's elder brother. He is a fool. Under the sway of Genius, he has lent his father's money on interest and succeeded. Genius tells him to give it to his usurious father, and in this way he gains Cremulus's favor. When Cremulus becomes blind, all of the old man's estate is settled upon Crusophilus. Under Musophilus's plotting, however, the court declares Crusophilus a fool, and he loses the estate to his younger brother. In reaction, Crusophilus can only cry. He asks Genius for advice but is given none. Musophilus grants him an annual pension to go buy his fool's coat.
CUPID
Cupid appears twice:
First, he is a "ghost character" and a fiction. Mounsieur Silly is desperate to meet Cupid, whom he believes to be real from having seen him in so many entertainments. He promises Musophilus his whole estate for one half hour's conference with Cupid.
Next, it is a disguise assumed by Musophilus in order to gull Silly. While Silly is blindfolded, Musophilus (as Cupid) apparently beats the foolish lover "thwick thwack" to make him believe that he is being struck with love arrows.
DRAWER
The drawer in St. Dunstan's and the Devil tavern is referred to only as Boy. He fetches wine and women, Lais and Bebia, for Timothy and Carouse.
DUKE HUMPHREY
Only mentioned. His crypt at St. Paul's was a gathering place for beggars, and "to dine at Duke Humphrey's" was a euphemism for going hungry. Musophilus sends the four lying soldiers there.
EDENTULA
A young woman and, along with Bobadilla, Urina's associate. She overhears Silly's foolish blazon of her mistress and threatens him. At Urina's prompting, she summons four furies to pinch him. She remembers herself as a beauty in her youth and thinks the man who got her maidenhead was lucky–she remembers being about four or five years old when it happened.
ENDIMION
Only mentioned. Simplicius says that he can sleep at a judge's bench as well as Endimion could, but "with a vigilant nose."
FIDO
Musophilus's friend. Most often spelled ffido in the surviving manuscript. He meets Musophilus upon the young man's return home from sea and consoles him for Cremulus's niggardliness to him. He later, with the aid of Cremula, stops Cremulus from hanging himself. He then tells Musophilus of Cremulus's desperate act. Later, he meets Mounsieur Silly. He learns of the foolish man's passion and helps Musophilus to gull him. Later he brings news to Musophilus that Cremulus has gone blind and settled his estate upon Crusophilus. He demonstrates a friend's effrontery at the news and later commiserates with his friend's mother, Cremula.
FRECK SPANIARD
A "ghost character." A horse of the court that Silly wishes to praise before Urina to make her love him and believe he is a courtier.
FRENCHMAN, COWARDLY
A "ghost character" and probably a fictional character. The fourth soldier tells Musophilus how he once cut off a Frenchman's head in battle. The Frenchman was so cowardly that he ran away for fear of losing his life.
FURIES
Medaea, Mennippa, Sill, and Grulla (or Trulla). They are summoned by Edentula to chase away the foolish Mounsieur Silly. Mennippa is not capitalized in the manuscript.
GENIUS
Crusophilus's associate. He is a mercenary trying to manipulate the foolish Crusophilus into his father's favor. Although his reasons are not patent, it is fairly clear that he intends to gull Crusophilus of his wealth just as soon as the fool can wrest it from Cremulus. He advises Crusophilus to win Cremulus's favor by lending money on interest and giving the winnings to the old usurer. The plan succeeds. Throughout the play, Genius coaches and coaxes how to speak and act to stay in Cremulus's favor. Victory is ultimately snatched away from him when Crusophilus wins his blinded father's estate only to lose it when Musophilus has Crusophilus proclaimed a fool and seizes the estate for himself. Genius can only observe that they have indeed made a fool of Crusophilus.
GRULLA, or TRULLA
A fury whom, along with Medaea, Mennippa, and Sill, Edentula summons to pinch Silly when he foolishly woos Urina. The name (at line 926) is not well written and so difficult to decipher.
HILARIUS
A lawyer. For him, every term is "Hillarie's term." He is overworked and requires more help than his clerk Bond can provide. He hopes the scholar Musophilus can learn the false Latin of Westminster because one word of true Latin can overturn a cause. He hires Musophilus, but when the scholar can neither bridle his horse nor mend a "sursingle" (surcingle), the lawyer dismisses him from service.
LAIS
Like Bebia, she comes to St. Dunstan's and the Devil tavern to carouse with Timothy. The boy/drawer hails her from next door. She revels with Timothy until his money runs out and then ignores him entirely.
MAID
Cremulus's maid, possibly Unice. She leads the blind Cremulus in towards play's end. It is possible that this is not Unice because Unice enters only six lines after this unnamed maid's exit to announce that she has been to the physician and learned what will cure Cremulus.
MEDAEA
A fury whom, along with Mennippa, Sill, and Grulla (or Trulla), Edentula summons to pinch Silly when he foolishly woos Urina.
MENNIPPA
A fury whom, along with Medaea, Sill, and Grulla (or Trulla), Edentula summons to pinch Silly when he foolishly woos Urina. The name is likely suggested by the verb "to nip," which the playwright uses in the stage direction for "pinch." This is the only name of the four furies not capitalized.
MIDAS
Only mentioned. Musophilus compares his miserly father, Cremulus, to Midas and says that both men found music only in the clink of coins.
MINCE, LADY
A "ghost character." Fido suggests that Musophilus enter Lady Mince's service as a gentleman usher because she is reputed to be kind and courteous to her servants. Musophilus rejects the position as being as bad as becoming a player.
MUSOPHILUS
A poor student, son to Cremulus and Cremula. He has taken to the sea and learned to philosophize. He first appears as a "waterman," but this is his seaman's apparel and no disguise. He returns to find his father's house closed to him if he be a "beggar" who has brought no riches home from India. Denied his father's blessing, he goes to Simplicius for preferment at court. He learns that the fool's wife is ill and offers his services as physician. He next disguises himself as a soldier to try his father's charity to strangers. When Cremulus challenges this soldier's boast that he could decimate an army by blowing his nose, Musophilus takes the old usurer by the nose and pulls off his spectacles, observing that he has now made the world vanish to him. Later, still looking to make his way in the world, Musophilus rejects in turn the professions of player, gentleman usher, and preacher. He favors his first course of action, and determines to flatter his way into preferment at court. He is hired to clerk for the lawyer Hilarius, but when he is found to be a useless scholar who can neither bridle a horse nor mend a "sursingle" (surcingle), the lawyer dismisses him. He next disguises as Cupid to trick money out of Mounsieur Silly in his wooing of Urina. In the process, Musophilus falls in love with Urina himself. He learns, however, that Cremulus has gone blind and given his entire estate to Crusophilus. Simplicius asks Musophilus to write him some speeches to celebrate his wife's pregnancy. In payment for the speeches, Musophilus asks Simplicius to intercede for him at court to have his brother, Crusophilus, declared a fool. He next woos and wins Urina. Simplicius later returns with a paper from court empowering Musophilus to seize all of his father's possessions. He uses the instrument to take the estate from Crusophilus and then asks Urina to aid in healing Cremulus. His father's eyesight is restored, and Musophilus grants his foolish elder brother an annuity. He then receives his parents' blessing for his union with Urina.
OTHO
A "ghost character." A "strawburies and cream flebitte" horse of the court that Silly wishes to praise before Urina to make her love him and believe he is a courtier. The description–strawberry and flea-bit–suggests either a red roan or a flea-bitten grey with red flecks.
PAGE
A page in Urina's house. When Musophilus comes to woo Urina, the page fetches her and then comments sardonically upon their wooing. He is surprised when his mistress accepts Musophilus.
PEGG with a LANTHORNE
A "ghost character." A horse of the court that Silly wishes to praise before Urina to make her love him and believe he is a courtier.
PHILLIS
Only mentioned. She wooed her sweetheart by running from him to sharpen his desire for her.
PHYSICIAN
A "ghost character." Mistress Urina's father. It is to be assumed that he named his child after his own profession of casting water.
PRETTY
Hilarius's maid. Usually spelled Pritty in the manuscript. Musophilus trifles with her, and she scolds him in return.
SELLER, MASTER
A "ghost character." Probably Hilarius's client. Bond goes to see him wondering aloud what "juice" he may yield. His first name could be Tim, but the reference is obscure.
SILL
A fury whom, along with Medaea, Mennippa, and Grulla (or Trulla), Edentula summons to pinch Silly when he foolishly woos Urina.
SILLY, MOUNSIEUR
A Gentleman Usher who aspires to be a courtier. He is in love but has no object for his love and wishes to versify to Cupid. Fido introduces him to Musophilus so Musophilus might gull Silly. Silly promises Musophilus his whole estate for a half hour's conference with Cupid. Musophilus suggests that Silly try to make Urina, the physician's daughter, love him. Silly is next blindfolded while Musophilus, disguised as Cupid, beats him in preparation for meeting Urina. The beating, Silly believes, is the sensation of Cupid's arrows striking him. He takes Musophilus's poem along, but chooses to blazon Urina with one of his own making. Urina has him chased away by pinching furies summoned up by Edentula. Silly drops Musophilus's poem as he flees, and Urina finds it.
SIMPLICIUS
The court fool who befriends Musophilus. He refers to himself as the "court mirth." Musophilus goes to him for preferment at court, but the Simplicius is on an errand to fetch a physician for his ailing wife. Musophilus offers his services, and Simplicius agrees to call on him should she need medicine. Later, he comes to Musophilus to have speeches of celebration written because it turns out the woman is pregnant. Musophilus asks in return to have his brother, Crusophilus, proclaimed a fool and unworthy to run Cremulus's estate. Simplicius soon returns with a paper from court empowering Musophilus to seize all of Cremulus's wealth.
SIMPLICIUS'S WIFE
A "ghost character." When the fool tells Musophilus that his wife is ill, Musophilus offers to come on Saturday to giver her a dose of "Popes' holy shadow," holy thistle, and other sovereign medicines. The fool says that she is more a Puritan than a Papist. Later, it is discovered that she is pregnant. In repayment for speeches of celebration that Musophilus will write on the happy event, Simplicius goes to court to have Crusophilus declared a fool.
SINGER
A singer, possibly Musophilus, possibly offstage, sings the verses that Silly drops and Urina finds. The song, written by Musophilus, fills Urina with love.
SOLDIER
A disguise adopted by Musophilus in order to try Cremulus's charity to strangers. To demonstrate how he once decimated a whole army by blowing his nose, the "soldier" takes Cremulus by the nose and pulls off the old man's spectacles, declaring that he has now made the whole world vanish.
SOLDIERS, FOUR
Four beggars. They hope to find more charity in the poor Musophilus than in all the court. They tell him impossible stories of their heroism. In return, Musophilus sends them to dine at Duke Humphrey's–the crypt at St. Paul's where beggars gathered: the phrase "to dine at Duke Humphrey's" meant to go hungry. Musophilus calls them "frenchified" because of their outrageous lying.
TIM
A quibble of a name. The lawyer Hilarius may use the name "tim" in reference to his clerk, Bond, whom he calls to come with him. It could equally refer to a "Master Seller" whom they are going to meet. Or it could be a corruption in the text and not a name at all.
TIMOTHY
Neighbor of and debtor to the usurer Cremulus. He promises to repay principal and double use to redeem his lands after missing his time. The repayment ruins him, and he quickly falls into debt again. He despairs and attempts to hang himself, but in tying up the rope to a roof beam he discovers a bag of gold that Cremulus had hidden there. He takes it and leaves the rope in its place. He goes to "the devil at St. Dunstan's" (the Apollo?) to celebrate his good fortune. He celebrates with Monsieur Carouse, Lais, and Bebia until he runs completely through the money and is again left destitute.
TRULLA, or GRULLA
A fury whom, along with Medaea, Mennippa, and Sill, Edentula summons to pinch Silly when he foolishly woos Urina. The name (at line 926) is not well written and so difficult to decipher.
UNICE
Cremulus's maid. She answers the door to the hapless Musophilus and is later called on stage to find her master's spectacles. She is possibly the unnamed maid who leads in the blind Cremulus at play's end, but she enters under her own name only six lines after that maid exits, so this is doubtful. She enters with news from the physician that Cremulus's blindness may be cured with the water of an honest woman or unspotted virgin. Because she is above twelve years of age and has lived in London all her life, she avers that she cannot oblige him.
URINA
Mistress Urina is a physician's daughter. Her name inspires many urinary jokes, but she is a beauty famous for spurning love. When Musophilus suggests that she will make the love-smitten Silly's mouth water, he is excited that she will make water in his mouth and wishes to have a good work "cast" for him. She doubts that fire in the breast is "the nature and essence of love." She overhears Silly's foolish blazon of her and rejects him, having Edentula summon furies to pinch him. She is adamant against love until she retrieves the letter Silly dropped, the letter Musophilus wrote. The letter's verse is sung (by an offstage voice?), and Urina feels the pangs of love. When Musophilus woos her, she remains aloof but secretly loves him. When he comes to her door, she surprises him by coming down to meet him. He woos her and, after a brief hesitation, she accepts him. At play's end, when Cremulus's blindness may be cured only with the water of an honest woman or unspotted virgin, she obliges and restores his sight. Both Cremulus and Cremula then bless her union with Musophilus.
WATERMAN
Musophilus first enters dressed as a waterman. All references in the scene, however, suggest he has been a sailor rather than a waterman plying the Thames in a wherry. There is no reference to this dress being a disguise nor is it used as one. It is possible that the lost opening of the play relates a tale of how Musophilus has just tried to gull his father in this disguise. He later attempts to do so again dressed as a soldier.