TWO WISE MEN AND ALL THE REST FOOLES, or A COMICALL MORALL,
CENSURING THE FOLLIES OF THIS AGE, AS IT HATH BENE DIVERSE TIMES ACTED.
Published 1619
The surviving copies have no colophon or other indication of printer or source. STC (1st edition) ascribes the play to George Chapman, but the piece's lack of dramatic energy has led few scholars to accept that ascription. The prologue states that the play was written "for the just reprehension of such as with serious and more graue aduisings cannot or will not be so freely admonished and corrected. . . . principally and specially pointing that Impe, which is infortunately fostered vp to this day, to ruine it selfe with." The date of the play suggests that the imp referred to might be Sir Giles Mompesson, whose Machiavellian extortions seem to be imaged in the guileful tricks of Antonio.
a synoptic, alphabetical character list
ACUTO
A comic tailor, associated with Hortano, Rustico, and Vulcano, who defends holy days and saints days as worthwhile because they were observed in the past.
ANTONIO
An Englishman, born "plain Anthony" according to Proberio, whose travels in Italy have taught him all manner of Machiavellian tricks for making money–he sponges off friends and acquaintances for meals, skips out of inns without paying the bill for food and lodging, and so on. Newly returned to England, he immediately gulls Simplo out of a piece of land worth £150, then goes on to various other underhanded schemes. Given the date of the play, it is tempting to see him as an avatar of the monopolist Sir Giles Mompesson (1584–?1651), who, from 1617, licensed alehouses and inns (for heavy fees and fines) and became the surveyor of profits of the New River Company at the rate of £200 annually. Massinger directly satirizes Mompesson in A New Way to Pay Old Debts.
CAMERADO
Camerado is the comic chamberlain of the inn where Antonio and Simplo take lodgings; he is too slow-witted to prevent Antonio from leaving without paying the bill.
CORRASO
Corraso is an intelligencer, companion of Furioso and Phantastico, and, like the former, is unable in peacetime to profit from his labors.
FRITH
Frith offers to buy Simplo's land for £150, but withdraws the offer when Antonio uses the papers Simplo has given him to hold to suggest, falsely, that Simplo's title is suspect. The device allows Antonio to buy the land for only £100.
FURIOSO
A blustering soldier and companion of Corraso and Phantastico. Furioso proclaims his unhappiness with the current peaceful state of the kingdom, which prevents him from following his calling.
GRANATO
Granato is a farmer, affiliated with Malingua and Mureto; he deplores the prosperity of both lawyers and merchants at the expense of the farmers who depend on them, and contends that farmers are more meritorious than the others are. The two wise men observe that all three callings are mutually interdependent.
GULATO
A country squire, who scorns the venereal pastimes of his neighbors Sperato and Spurco in favor of the bottle and thereby earns the scorn of the two wise men.
HERMITO
A country squire and one of the two wise men of the title. Hermito has retired to a hermit's life because of his disgust at the wickedness and foolishness of the world. When he comes to town briefly to renew his oath of fidelity to the king, he is recruited by his longtime friend and neighbor and the second wise man, Securus, to help in the adjudication of the various controversies; his disgust is only deepened by what he observes from his seat at one side of the stage.
HORTANO
A cloddish gardener, neighbor of Acuto, Rustico, and Vulcano, who agrees with Rustico that holy days cut into the time for work; his antipathy to religious observances is even greater than that of his friends, however, for he would end fasting, too.
INFAELICTO
Insatiato's page, who delivers a long disquisition on the virtues of tobacco for controlling flatulence and micturation.
INSATIATO
Insatiato, whose charm and energy lift him a little above the general dismissal extended to most of the play's characters, is a young, spendthrift courtier, who lives through most of the play from one breakfast or dinner or ball to another. He borrows money from Pestifero and successfully woos Levitia.
LAMIA
Lamia is Rustico's puritanical wife, who uses a great show of piety, together with a cudgel an ell long, to control her foolish husband. When he crosses her, she beats him; his willingness to put up with this disgusts the two wise men.
LEVITIA
Levitia is a young woman of fashion. When he sees her, Insatiato falls instantly in love with her, and she agrees to marry him after a remarkably short courtship in which the practical questions go largely unasked. She speaks mainly in proverbs.
MALINGUA
A lawyer affiliated with Mureto and Granato. Malingua bemoans the fact that current customs have increased his difficulties at earning a legitimate living.
MONARCH
A "ghost character." Securus has been asked by the nameless monarch to help adjudicate civil controversies. This he does with the help of Hermito.
PAR[R]Y, D[R. WILLIAM]
Only mentioned. Dr. William Parry, a Welsh physician and M.P., was executed in 1585 for plotting against the life of Elizabeth I on behalf of Mary Queen of Scots. He is instanced by Furioso as the type of the intelligencer.
PARVAGRACIO
A pleasure-loving young courtier, Parvagracio is persuaded by Insatiato to cosign the bond for £100 of old rags that is all his friend can arrange by way of a loan from Pestifero; his foolish trust allows Insatiato to carry on even when the invitations to house and dine at others' expense dry up, and underwrites Insatiato's marriage with Levitia.
PESTIFERO
Insatiato's "brother," Pestifero is a money lender. He talks Insatiato into buying on credit £100 of malodorous rags, which will, he says, realize £60 of ready money when sold to the paper makers. Insatiato resists, but eventually makes the deal.
PHANTISTICO
Phantastico is a musician of the popular sort. He is in league with Furioso and Corraso, and like them, on his beam-ends.
PURGATO
When Simplo decides that he has learned all he can from Antonio and leaves his service, Purgato takes his place as resident straight man and lackwit.
RUSTICO
A comic country clod, associated with Hortano, Acuto, and Vulcano. He wants to stop the observance of holy days because it interferes with work. Later he avers that the way to manage a shrewish wife is to let her do what she wants; when his own wife, Lamia, beats him on the ground that he needs to purge himself from sin, he thanks her, then makes a foolish will.
SECURUS
One of the two wise men (along with Hermito) of the play's title. Securus is a country gentleman that has been asked by the nameless monarch to help adjudicate civil controversies. He sits in a chair at one side of the stage and observes the various disputes, together with the machinations of Antonio and Noverindo, occasionally passing judgment on the follies on display.
SIMPLO
The foremost of the subtitle's "fools." Simplo arranges through Proberio to become Antonio's servant, hoping thereby to learn how to succeed in business. Immediately, Antonio cheats Simplo by taking charge of the latter's papers, using them first to buy a piece of Simplo's land at much less than its value, and then to take the purchase money back into his own hands. Simplo thus becomes the means for revealing to the audience many of Antonio's tricks, as well as an agent in the deceit of others. He nevertheless remains guilelessly faithful until he finally decides that he has learned enough and leaves Antonio's service.
SPERATO
A country gentleman who argues with Spurco and Gulato over the superiority of hawking to either hunting or drinking; the two wise men find all three pursuits equally shallow.
SPURCO
A country gentleman. He sustains against Gulato and Sperato the superiority of hunting over either hawking or drinking, to the disgust of the two wise men.
STERCORATO
Stercorato is the comic hostler at the inn where Antonio and Simplo take lodgings; the name means something like "dung-shoveler."
SUSANNA RICHARDSON
Mrs. Richardson is a widow, who tries to recover £10 that Antonio has borrowed from a friend. The friend gave her the note, and she desperately needs the money to keep her life together. Antonio destroys the note without paying her the money. She will not be put off, and her continuing insistence helps expose his malfeasance.
VULCANO
A comic smith, choleric, and a notable malaprop. He is a neighbor of Rustico, with whom he agrees as to the deleterious effect of the observance of religious holidays on workplace productivity.