Book–worm's new profession, which suits him poorly.
BEAUMONT, FRANCIS
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for Beaumont and Fletcher ('the Muses' twins') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in their works ('a couple of cowards . . . one find rhyme, and another reason') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take them away.
BODKIN
A "ghost character." He is a tailor for whom Invention must invent new-fashioned breeches.
BOOK–WORM
A young divine. He has studied himself into poverty and is dismayed when Marchurch will not give him the living in his control. Marchurch told him the living was gone unless he could offer a suitable bribe for it. He offered his learning, which cost him at least four hundred pounds, and Marchurch turned him out. The money he spent in studies he could have used to live the life of a substantial rogue, but now he has but thirteen shillings left. He decides to pawn his clothes and go into trade selling pamphlets. He returns later as a ballad-man. He sells almanacs to Furor Poeticus for two pence each. He watches as Fantastes comes to Marchurch for the living and delights when Fantastes and Scuttle squabble, Puritain to Papist, and strive together for the benefice.
BROCK
A "ghost character." Marchurch's 'grisle' mare. Hob–nail informs Marchurch that she is laid up with the 'kibes' and must be annointed with brimstone and train-oil.
CERES
The goddess of harvest. She appears 'above' in the first act, which has the structure of an induction. She is angry that Pedanto, Invention, Furor Poeticus, and Comaedia are in her barn to act their play. It would appear that the original production was presented in a granary barn. She demands to know what they intend. Upon learning they mean nothing but mirth, she allows them to continue and insists upon being their play's prologue. She appears again after the Epilogue to say she wished the play had a better playhouse, yet she is graced with the players' efforts.
CHILD, URLSEY'S
A mute character. After Ursley gives birth, Marchurch sells the bastard to a gypsy beggar woman. The woman, Tom Tinker's wife, is next found carrying the child with her.
COMAEDIA
A pretty girl. She appears in the first act, which has the structure of an induction. She is trussed up in a trunk since dialogues and Latin speeches have become the rage 'under every sign-post.' Invention raises her up with his white wand. She calls Invention her servant and Furor Poeticus her companion.
DUNGO
The name of one of the watchmen. Sometimes he is identified as the first watchman, sometimes as accompanying the first watchman. See WATCHMEN, TWO.
EPILOGUE
It is not clear who speaks the Epilogue that Furor Poeticus sends out, but the epilogue lists the characters and says they will be pleased if the audience applaud their work.
FANTASTES
Also spelled Phantastes. A mere scholar newly come from university. One of his boots is russet and the other black. He comes to Marchurch's for the living. He mistakes Scuttle as a servant in Marchurch's house. Fantastes and Scuttle squabble, Puritain to Papist, and strive together for the living. Fantastes pays Tinker twelve pence to beat Scuttle.
FATHER, BOOK–WORM'S
A "ghost character." He left two hundred pounds when he died to Book–worm, thus robbing his other sons of it, so Book–worm could buy more books and study.
FLETCHER, JOHN
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for Beaumont and Fletcher ('the Muses' twins') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in his works ('a couple of cowards . . . one find rhyme, and another reason') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take them away.
FUROR POETICUS
A humorous poet and companion of Invention. He appears in the first act, which has the structure of an induction. He grows angry speaking to Pedanto that no one will allow a poet his living. He has harsh words for a number of playwrights including Plautus, Jonson, Shakespeare, Beaumont, Fletcher, and Randolph before helping Pedanto write his play. He calls Comaedia slut and threatens to make her dance without her smock unless she rises up. She calls him her companion. He comments, spectator-like, upon the action of the play as it proceeds. In act four, he buys almanacs from Book–worm for two pence each. He refers to his place in the barn/playhouse as his 'kennel.'
HOB–NAIL
Marchurch's servant, a Scotsman, often called Hob. He is 'a brave scarecrow' and 'little Hob.' He has learned to pare his cheese since coming to England. Marchurch made him constable this year. Marchurch tells Hob–nail that Sir Homily criticized him and sets the Scotsman to whipping the curate. Sir Homily conspires with him, for Hob–nail is monied, to disguise himself and bribe Marchurch for the living. He and Homily go in disguise to Marchurch for the benefice. He calls himself Richmond and is shocked when Marchurch wants fifty pieces for the benefice but talks him down to twenty with ten more to follow in two years. He goes with Homily to the tavern and returns drunk. He awakes to find his beard missing (taken by Homily to impersonate 'Richmond'), and by the work of the Tinker's gypsy wife his money is gone, his boots are changed to shoes, and he has a baby. He comically decides the baby is his own, spewed up in his drunken sleep, and realizes that he is ruined. He determines, as constable, to hang himself. He sets up the noose and forgives everyone but Homily. Homily returns and gains his promise to give Homily the benefice if in return Homily can rid him of the baby and return his lost money.
HOMILY, SIR
An old curate who's practiced twelve years. Marchurch once promised him the living when the parson died in exchange for his testimony at the assize, and he comes to collect upon that promise. Marchurch takes away his current living and beats him away. He stops Hob–nail beating him by conspiring to have the Scotsman disguise himself, get the living, and name Sir Homily for his curate. They go in disguise to Marchurch for the benefice, and he helps Hob–nail win the benefice. He puts a sleeping powder into Hob–nail's drink and changes clothes with him. He reveals that his real name is Richmond, the name that Hob–nail gave as his own when he bought the benefice. He succeeds in filching the benefice for himself. He returns to find the basket of capons the watchmen left behind and Hob–nail with a baby. He promises to retrieve Hob–nail's money and rid him of the child if in return Hob–nail allows him to have the benefice. He hides the baby under the capons and allows the watchmen to carry the basket away to Marchurch. He rides to the bishop to tell all and return with an Order of Penance to make Marchurch return Hob–nail's money.
INVENTION
Invention appears in the first act, which has the structure of an induction. He and Furor Poeticus begin the play discussing a number of current-event items that need inventing such as a new maidenhead for a chambermaid, wealth for the Scots, arms for a Welshman, and how Papists may escape the purgatory of Parliament. He and Furor Poeticus comes upon Pedanto writing a play. Invention approves of a number of playwrights including Plautus, Jonson, Shakespeare, Beaumont, Fletcher, and Randolph before helping Pedanto write his play. He uses a white wand to raise Comaedia from her confinement. She calls him her servant.
JACK
Homily's disguise name. He has Hob–nail call him Jack when they go in disguise to Marchurch for the benefice.
JONSON, BEN
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for him (The 'great brick-bat Ben' and the 'only English brow [that[ deserves the bays') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in his works (any 'ordinary wit would make him piss and stink . . . like an old bear' and 'sack must be sent . . . into his guts to tell his brains they must come up quickly and help out with a line') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take him away.
MAR–PUDDING, JOHN
A cotquean and nephew to Marchurch. He reads books on housewifery to learn how to keep the staff in line and complains that they call him cotquean and other vulgarities when he looks over their shoulders and denies them money and proper ingredients for their dinners. He brings his uncle news that the parson is dead. When he sees Ursley is pregnant, she threatens to tell everyone the child is his. To keep her from spreading such a rumor, he agrees to give her the pantry keys.
MARCHURCH
The patron of a living and Mar–pudding's uncle. The old parson is finally dying, and Marchurch has the benefice of his hundred-pound-per-annum living. He looks forward to having a crowd of 'learned creature in black coats' begging him for the place. He promises to provide for Ursley and his bastard that she carries. Christmas is coming, and he ensures the Watchmen are ready to bring him his capons and pullets because he intends to be mayor next year. He practices his mayoral speech before the Watchmen. Mar–pudding brings him news that the parson is dead. Marchurch turns Book–worm out when he hasn't money to bribe him for the living. Marchurch once promised Sir Homily the living in exchange for his testimony at the assize, and when Homily comes to collect upon that promise Marchurch takes away his current living and beats him away. He tells Hob–nail that Sir Homily criticized him and sets the Scotsman to whipping the curate. Later, when Ursley delivers her bastard, Marchurch sells the babe to a gypsy beggar woman for twenty shillings. He does not see through Hob–nail's disguise when he sells him the benefice. He initially asks fifty pieces for the benefice but allows Hob–nail to talk him down to twenty with ten more to follow in two years. He plans to marry Ursley to him, too. The Watchmen come with their basket of Christmas capons for him. He accepts it heartily and pays them, not realizing that Homily has hidden his bastard baby there for him.
MOTHER, SCHOOL–BOY'S
A "ghost character." She is upset that her son has not part in Pedanto's play and has said Pedanto will come short of a Christmas dinner or a kiss because of it.
PARSON
A "ghost character." After fourscore years he is dying. His congregants have been tired of him for thirty years and Marchurch has been vexed with him for forty. When he dies, Marchurch will be able to give away his post to a young divine and looks forward to having a crowd of them flattering and bribing him for the position.
PEDANTO
A schoolmaster. He appears in the first act, which has the structure of an induction. He is writing a play (he calls it a dialogue) for Christmas and has stolen conceits from other plays. He's had to compromise because he cannot lay hold of gorgeous costumes or beards (as if horse hair were the golden fleece). He is at his wit's end. He shows Invention and Furor Poeticus that the girl, Comaedia is trussed in a trunk and begs them to free her. When Comaedia arises, Pedanto tells her that he must write an English play for gentlemen and clergy to watch boys play men.
PLAUTUS
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for him ('Father of our poetry') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in his works ('he came off his last act like a costive man from the stool without wiping') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take him away.
PROLOGUE
Spoken by Ceres. She blesses the audience, invites them to enjoy the play, and threatens to curse those that do not. This prologue actually ends act one, which has the feeling of an induction, and the play proper begins with act two.
RANDOLPH, THOMAS
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for him ('a sweeter swan did never sing') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in his works ('his wit's too violent long to endure') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take him away.
RICHMOND
Hob–nail's disguise name. He has Marchurch call him Richmond when Homily and he go in disguise to Marchurch for the benefice. Richmond, however, is Homily's real name, and Homily claims the benefice for himself once the papers are made out.
SCHOOL–BOY
He tells Invention and Furor Poeticus that Pedanto is writing a play and has stolen conceits from all the other plays written. He is vexed because he hasn't a part in the play.
SCUTTLE, GOODMAN
A New English basket maker. He has left New England and hopes to bribe Marchurch for the living. Fantastes and Scuttle squabble, Puritain to Papist, and strive together for the living. Tinker is disgusted when Marchurch requests money in exchange for the benefice. Fantastes meantime pays Tinker twelve pence to beat Scuttle. Tinker does so and finds a book of characters in Scuttle's pockets that he pins to the Puritan's back before leading him through town.
SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM
Only mentioned. Invention reads some praise for him ('if thy learning had been like thy wit, Ben would have blushed, and Johnson [sic] never writ') but Furor Poeticus finds fault in their works ('for the fine and true dramatic law, he was a dunce and scribled with a straw') and calls for an imaginary Jailor to take him away.
TINKER, TOM
He tells Fantastes how tinkers and scholars are alike. Fantastes pays him twelve pence to beat Scuttle. He does so and finds a book of characters in Scuttle's pockets.
URSLEY
Marchurch's big-bellied kitchen wench. She's carrying Marchurch's bastard and fears discovery by Mar–pudding, who is always hanging about the kitchen. She wants to ensure that Marchurch provides for her and the baby. When Mar–pudding sees Ursley is pregnant, she threatens to tell everyone that the child is his. To ensure her silence, she extorts from him the pantry keys and full access to the larder. When her baby is delivered, Marchurch sells the babe to a gypsy beggar woman for twenty shillings.
WATCHMEN, TWO
One is named Dungo. Sometimes he is identified as the first watchman, sometimes as accompanying the first watchman. They comment upon being watchmen and listen to Marchurch practice his mayoral speech. Later, they are abroad to arrest drunkards and have heard that Hob–nail, their constable has been drinking. They leave behind their basket of Christmas capons intended for Murchurch, and Homily finds it. The watchmen return to claim the basket and not realizing the baby is now hidden inside take it to Marchurch.
WIFE, TINKER'S GYPSY
She buys Ursley's baby from Marchurch for twenty shillings. She intends to sell the baby for profit. She comes upon the drunken Hob–nail sleeping, steals his money, exchanges her shoes for his boots, and leaves him the baby in exchange.