Henry Glapthorne

WIT IN A CONSTABLE

1638

Note: This play features two (and probably three) characters that change names through some form of scribal mistake. The character of Maudlin becomes Luce from act iv onwards. The character of Thorowgood, also in act iv, becomes Freewit (a character name to be found in Glapthorne's The Hollander). To make matters more confusing, in the final scene of this play both Thorowgood and Freewit are mentioned as appearing at the same time in stage directions and are given lines in the same scene. It could be that in the final scene the character of Knowell (who has otherwise disappeared) is being called Freewit (a name that should not appear in this play at all).

a synoptic, alphabetical character list

BASTARD, SIR GEOFFREY HOLD–FAST'S
A "ghost character." Jeremy suggests that the imposter who claimed to be Sir Geoffrey Hold–fast's son was some bastard of his father's, gotten upon his tailor's wife or laundress because "he has a good store of them."

BOY, FIDLER'S
He sings a song in praise of constables that begins "Sing and rejoice, the day is gone."

BREWER
A "ghost character." One of the watchmen knows of a brewer who, being a constable, earned enough from being bribed by prostitutes that he bought a new mash-vat and mended all his coolers.

BROTHER–IN–LAW, TRISTRAM'S
A "ghost character." Tristram says his brother-in-law is a cook in London and can use Jeremy Hold–fast's reams of paper to put under his baked meats.

BUSIE
A linen draper, Jeremy Hold–fast's landlord, and the constable. Though the titular character, he does not first appear until act three. He prides himself on being a wit, but he is given to short quips that cause the gallants to laugh at him as much as with him. As act four opens, he offers to help Clare and Grace revenge themselves upon Thorowgood and Valentine. He loves the girls for the kindness they have shown his daughter (who is named Luce in the stage direction). When he learns that Sir Timothy and Jeremy are secretly contracted to marry Clare and Grace, he arranges to have them meet at ten to be married at his house. He next tells "Freewit" (Thorowgood intended) and Valentine to get marriage licenses and meet at his house at nine. He then tells "Luce" (Maudlin intended) to bring two of her ladies' gowns to his house. Busie gives the watch instructions in the manner of Dogberry not to meddle with the criminal classes. Their instructions include allowing all men and women to pass the gate without let. When Sir Timothy, Jeremy, and Grimes appear with a sedan chair, he surprises them by insisting to look inside the sedan, forcing them to retreat. As he enjoys a drink in the tavern, Covet and Sir Geoffrey come to have him arrested, but the watch will only listen to him. He has Covet and Sir Geoffrey arrested instead and taken to be held at his house. He arranges it so Clare and Grace mistakenly marry Thorowgood (aka Freewit) and Jeremy while Sir Timothy and Jeremy mistakenly marry Luce and Nell. The fathers are on hand, then, to come to terms with, accept, and bless the unions.

CLARE
Niece to Alderman Covet, also spelled Clara. Thorowgood and Clare have conspired that he should pose as a scholar himself to win Alderman Covet's acceptance of him. She complains to her uncle of his sharp practice in keeping her, Grace, and Maudlin in mean circumstances. She insists upon being married to a courtly gentleman whose wit equals his estate and who can maintain a couch with four fair horses. She plays a trick on Thorowgood by pretending not to know him when he puts on his disguise. In revenge, he disavows her and makes it seem that she is dishonest when he plants Valentine in her chambers. In act four, she conspires with Grace and Busie to be revenged upon both Thorowgood and Valentine. The women assure Sir Timothy and Jeremy that they will make them terrible wives. Thinking they jest, both men take them at their word and agree to be complacent cuckolds and to marry the women immediately but in such secrecy that absolutely no one will know of it. "Freewit," Jeremy, Clare, and Grace meet in the street and exchange insults bred of wounded feelings until the men realize that the women still love them. They offer marriage, but the women scorn them. Nevertheless, she marries Thorowgood (aka Freewit) mistakenly believing he is Sir Timothy. She is much relieved by the match.

COVET, ALDERMAN
He intends to marry his daughter Grace to Sir Timothy Shallowit or else Jeremy Hold–fast, whom he prefers, and Clare to the other one. He keeps Clare, Grace, and Maudlin on scant rations despite Clare being an heiress. He loves scholars and dislikes city wits, so when Jeremy Hold–fast presents himself at Alderman Covet's, newly dressed and speaking as a city wag, Covet turns him away, perplexed, and resolves to write Sir Geoffrey to ensure this isn't some gallant impersonating Jeremy. He is impressed when Thorowgood presents himself as a scholar and calling himself Jeremy Hold–fast. Later, he is scandalized when Valentine is found in Clare and Grace's chamber masquerading as Sir Timothy's niece, and when the men foreswear the two women, he vows revenge. He first manages to convince Sir Timothy and Jeremy, with Sir Geoffrey's help, that the women are proper and worthy to wive. When he learns that Busie is illegally drinking on watch in the tavern, Covet and Sir Geoffrey come to have him arrested, but the watch will only listen to Busie. Busie has Covet and Sir Geoffrey arrested instead and taken to be held at his house. When his daughter and niece are married to the 'wrong' men, he comes to terms with it and blesses the unions.

DRAWER
He tells Busie that Alderman Covet is below in the tavern inquiring after him.

FATHER, SIR TIMOTHY SHALLOWIT'S
A "ghost character." Timothy affirms that his father died a knave and left that title as part of his patronage.

FAUSTUS
Only mentioned. Thorowgood teases Jeremy Hold–fast that all his learning is fit only to walk about like Faustus in a cap fit for a costermonger.

FOREMAN
A "ghost character." Clare suspects that her uncle wants to marry her off to his foreman, who's recently been promoted to his cash-keeper. He is a limber fellow but fit only for his schoolmate, Nan, whom he takes out to Pimlico and spends ten groats in cakes and Christian ale. He courts her with fragments stolen from legends of knights errants like the Knight of the Burning Pestle.

FORMAL
Servant to Alderman Covet. He is circumlocutious. He also appears to be rather young as Sir Timothy calls him boy and he calls the knight father. He is in several scenes throughout the play but has few lines and adds little to the plot's progression.

FREEWIT
A mistake for Thorowgood. In act four, the name obviously intended to be Thorowgood changes to Freewit. Somehow this name, from Glapthorne's The Hollander, was transposed into this play. He learns from "Luce" (Maudlin intended?) that Clare and Grace are secretly contracted to marry Sir Timothy and Jeremy. "Freewit," Jeremy, Clare, and Grace meet in the street and exchange insults bred of wounded feelings until the men realize that the women still love them. They offer marriage, but the women scorn them. "Freewit" thinks their best course is to visit Sir Timothy and Jeremy and geld them before they can wed. Busie has overheard and assures them that the women love them. Both "Freewit" and Valentine are to get marriage licenses and meet at Busie's house at nine. They are successfully married to Grace and Clare. (To add to the textual confusion, once they are married, the text switches between calling this character Thorowgood and Freewit and even includes both names in two stage directions as if they are two characters (and it seems possible that Knowell has at this point inherited the Freewit name.))

GENTLEWOMAN, SWINE–FACED
A "ghost character." Busie does not wish to hear the ballad of the swine-faced gentlewoman because it is not only old, it has already been in two plays.

GEOFFREY HOLD–FAST, SIR
A knight of Epping. He arrives in act four to help patch up the misunderstandings between his son, Covet, Clare, and Grace. When Covet learns that Busie is illegally drinking on watch in the tavern, Covet and Sir Geoffrey come to have him arrested, but the watch will only listen to Busie. Busie has Covet and Sir Geoffrey arrested instead and taken to be held at his house.

GRACE
Alderman Covet's daughter. She has a wit more sharp and piercing than a wasp's sting. She engages in a tart repartee with Valentine, who speaks on Sir Timothy Shallowit's behalf, and when he gives as tartly as he receives, Grace quite fancies him. She sends him a letter and admits of her love. Together, she and Valentine plan to dress him as a woman so they can elope. Valentine is unmasked only to make Grace and Clare seem dishonest in secreting a man in their chambers. In act four, she conspires with Clare and Busie to be revenged upon both Thorowgood and Valentine. The women assure Sir Timothy and Jeremy that they will make them terrible wives. Thinking they jest, both men take them at their word and agree to be complacent cuckolds and to marry the women immediately but in such secrecy that absolutely no one will know of it. "Freewit," Jeremy, Clare, and Grace meet in the street and exchange insults bred of wounded feelings until the men realize that the women still love them. They offer marriage, but the women scorn them. Nevertheless, she marries Valentine mistakenly believing he is Jeremy. She is much relieved by the match.

GRIMES
A mute character. He accompanies Busie in act four and is possibly one of the watch. Jeremy Hold–fast and Sir Timothy send him to fetch the marriage licenses for them to marry Clare and Grace. He accompanies Sir Timothy and Jeremy through nighttime London on their way to marry.

JEREMY HOLD–FAST
Sir Geoffrey's son, newly arrived from Cambridge, and Thorowgood's cousin. He has a passion for his books and orders Tristram down to buy copies of Suarez' Metaphysics, Granadas' Commentaries, Booker's new almanacs, and John Taylor's 'nonsense.' Thorowgood convinces him to become a libertine of the city, and he orders Tristram to sell all of his books and burn Greene's Groatsworth of Wit. He presents himself at Alderman Covet's, newly dressed and speaking as a city wag, only to be turned away. When Valentine is discovered in Clare and Grace's chambers, masquerading as Sir Timothy's niece, he is forced to agree that the women who have so entertained a man in their chambers would not be fit for his wife. Covet convinces him that the women are proper, and he cannot decide whether he should take Clare or Grace, so Jeremy and Sir Timothy engage in a dialogue of "whichever you like, I'll have the other" that only makes both look more foolish. The women assure Sir Timothy and Jeremy that they will make them terrible wives. Thinking they jest, both men take them at their word and agree to be complacent cuckolds and to marry the women immediately but in such secrecy that absolutely no one will know of it. He bribes the four watchmen sixteen pence to keep quiet as he, Sir Timothy, and Grimes make their way through London by night with a sedan chair. When Busie suddenly inquires what's in the sedan chair, Jeremy offers him another ten shillings, but in the end they are obliged to retreat. He marries Nell by mistake when the women disguise themselves as Clare and Grace. He is happy with the match when Nell says she will allow him to come home drunk.

KNOWELL
Friend to Thorowgood and Valentine. He upbraids his friends (the very rooks of the age) for having been bested in a game of wits by two city girls. He agrees to assist them in their witty revenge against Clare and Grace. He goes to Covet along with Thorowgood and reveals Valentine disguised as Sir Timothy's niece. It is just possible that he is intended to have the lines assigned to "Freewit" in the final scene (after the weddings when both Freewit and Thorowgood are mentioned in the same two stage directions).

LAUNDRESS
A "ghost character." Jeremy suggests that the imposter who claimed to be Sir Geoffrey Hold–fast's son was some bastard of his father's, gotten upon his tailor's wife or laundress because "he has a good store of them."

LEVITE
A "ghost character." Busie says he will arrange for a little Levite in Whitefriars to marry Sir Timothy and Jeremy to Clare and Grace.

LUCE
Maudlin is probably intended. In act four, Busie refers to the kindness the ladies have shown his daughter. The dramatis personae identifies Nell and Maudlin as Busie's daughters and does not list a Luce. It seems apparent that Luce is an alternate name for the character Glapthorne also calls Maudlin. This change of name occurs in the same corrupted scene in which Thorowgood's name is mistakenly changed to Freewit. "Luce" tells Valentine and "Freewit" that Sir Timothy and Jeremy are secretly contracted to marry Clare and Grace. She disguises herself as Clare and marries Sir Timothy.

MAB
Only mentioned. Thorowgood teases Jeremy Hold–fast that all his learning is fit only to wear a strip of lining proper only for some of queen Mab's gentlemen ushers.

MADEVILLE or MENDWELL
The name of the third watchman.

MAID, BUSIE'S
A "ghost character." When Busie has Covet and Sir Geoffrey arrested, he tells the watch to take them to his house under arrest and have his maid look after them.

MARY AMBREE
A "ghost character." Valentine claims that, if he wishes, he can dress as a woman and pass for a bouncing Mary Ambree.

MAUDLIN
Servant to Clare and Busie's daughter. In the street, she keeps up her lady's pretense of not knowing Thorowgood in his disguise. She brings word to Valentine that both Clare and Grace desire to see him. Her name apparently changes to Luce in act four (by authorial mistake?) and Maudlin does not appear in the text again. See LUCE for a description of what this character does after act three.

MUSICIANS
They accompany the fiddler's boy when he sings.

NAN
A "ghost character." She's a grocer's daughter, born in Bread Street, who is being courted by Alderman Covet's foreman with trips to Pimlico.

NELL
Busie's daughter. Jeremy claims that she will have his bride's garters when he is married. She disguises as Grace and marries Jeremy.

NIECE, SIR TIMOTHY SHALLOWIT'S
A disguise assumed by Valentine, but he is almost instantly revealed when Knowell pulls his wig off in front of Covet and the rest.

PARSON
In act five, he receives the marriage licenses for Sir Timothy and Jeremy from Busie. He assures the constable that this will not be the first time he has married high-born couples in secret 'behind the brickhills' and further affirms that such marriages are as firm as any.

PEG LARKIN
A "ghost character." A handsome woman of Cambridge to whom Hold–fast alludes. He wonders if any of London's women are as handsome as she.

SPANIARD
A "ghost character." The four watchmen gossip about a flounder fisherman hooking a drowned Spaniard's body, slain in 'the late sea-fight.' The fisherman found 'the Inquisition' hidden in the Spaniard's ruff according to the watchman.

THOROWGOOD
A young gentleman and suitor to Clare and cousin to Jeremy Hold–fast. He is held in rich esteem amongst the city's wits. He reclaims his foolish cousin Jeremy from a scholar's life and gives him a new suit of clothes. He and Clare have conspired that he should pose as a scholar himself to win Alderman Covet's acceptance of him. He presents himself to Covet in scholar's robes and calls himself Jeremy Hold–fast. He quickly wins Covet's permission to marry Clare, but when Clare and Grace pretend not to know him he declares he will pay them for their witty abuse. He undeceives Covet regarding his and Jeremy's identities. Since Covet has already bestowed Grace upon Sir Timothy, Thorowgood declares that he wishes to have Clare bestowed upon Jeremy. He pretends to be scandalized when Valentine is discovered disguised as Sir Timothy's niece, pretending that he imagines that Valentine was invited by the ladies for immorality. Using this for his pretext, he has both Jeremy and Sir Timothy foreswear the women, who have 'proved' themselves fit only to be wives of twice-broken merchants. In act four Thorowgood's name is suddenly changed (by authorial mistake?) to Freewit. See FREEWIT for his actions in the second half of the play. To add to the textual confusion, once they are married, the text switches between calling this character Thorowgood and Freewit and even includes both names in two stage directions as if they are two characters (and it seems possible that Knowell has at this point inherited the Freewit name).

TIMOTHY SHALLOWIT, SIR
An ill-favored country knight. He is a fool who agrees with Thorogood that he is the most egregious knight in the country, lives on onions and corn-salads, and whose father died a knave and so left Sir Timothy one as well. He has come to town to court Grace. He lets Valentine do all of his talking, interrupting only long enough to agree with what he says, until Grace is quite taken with Valentine. He agrees to have Valentine disguise as his niece to get him closer to Grace, thinking that Valentine intends to woo in the knight's name. When the disguise is almost immediately revealed, he tries for a moment to uphold that Valentine is his niece. He is forced to agree that the women who have so entertained a man in their chambers would not be fit for his wife. Covet convinces him that the women are proper, and he cannot decide whether he should take Clare or Grace, so Jeremy and Sir Timothy engage in a dialogue of "whichever you like, I'll have the other" that only makes both look more foolish. The women assure Sir Timothy and Jeremy that they will make them terrible wives. Thinking they jest, both men take them at their word and agree to be complacent cuckolds and to marry the women immediately but in such secrecy that absolutely no one will know of it. He bribes the watchmen four groats as he, Jeremy, and Grimes make their way through London by night with a sedan chair. When Busie suddenly inquires what's in the sedan chair, they are obliged to retreat. He marries "Luce" (Maudlin intended) by mistake when the women disguise themselves as Clare and Grace. He declares himself happy with the match for Jeremy's sake.

TOM THUMB
Only mentioned. Thorowgood teases Jeremy Hold–fast that all his learning is fit only to wear a strip of lining proper only for Tom Thumb.

TRISTRAM
Servant to Jeremy Hold–fast. He has some witty repartee at the opening of the play concerning his master's supposed learning at Cambridge and then disappears from the text.

VALENTINE
Thorowgood's friend and suitor to Grace. He goes with Sir Timothy Shallowit to court the ladies and gives as tartly as he receives until Grace quite fancies him. Both Grace and Clare send word to meet them, and he agrees to help set Thorowgood's witty device into motion with them. When he quickly wins Grace's love he confesses that the plan was to dress him as Sir Timothy's niece to allow him free access to court Grace supposedly for the knight but actually in his own name. Now, however, he intends to go through with it insofar as dressing like a woman will allow him and Grace to sneak away to be married. Almost at once, though, Knowell and Thorogood expose the disguise to Covet. He learns from "Luce" (Maudlin intended?) that Clare and Grace are secretly contracted to marry Sir Timothy and Jeremy. "Freewit," Jeremy, Clare, and Grace meet in the street and exchange insults bred of wounded feelings until the men realize that the women still love them. They offer marriage, but the women scorn them. Busie has overheard and assures them that the women love them. Both "Freewit" and Valentine are to get marriage licenses and meet at Busie's house at nine. There he marries Grace.

WATCHMEN, FOUR
They open act five, complaining of the cold. The third watchman's name is Mandeville. They gossip about various monsters displayed and found in and around London. Busie gives them instructions in the manner of Dogberry not to meddle with the criminal classes. Their instructions include allowing all men and women to pass the gate without let. They are bribed sixteen pence by Jeremy and four groats by Sir Timothy, who wish to pass with a sedan chair.

WIFE, BUSIE'S
A "ghost character." When he discovers that Clare and Grace would willingly marry the next man they meet, he says he could wish his wife dead so he could take their offer.

WIFE, OYSTER
A "ghost character." She heard a rumor at Billingsgate and passed it along to the Watchman's wife.

WIFE, TAILOR'S
A "ghost character." Jeremy suggests that the imposter who claimed to be Sir Geoffrey Hold–fast's son was some bastard of his father's, gotten upon his tailor's wife or laundress because "he has a good store of them."

WIFE, WATCHMAN'S
A "ghost character." An oyster wife heard a rumor at Billingsgate and passed it along to the Watchman's wife.